Archive for the ‘Did You Notice?’ Category

For Colored Guys Who Have Considered Homicide Because the Media Has Done More Than Enuf

In Did You Notice?, Race Relations on December 3, 2010 at 2:25 pm

As a MAN who is BLACK and resides in AMERICA (in order of appearance), it is disconcerting to be consistently bombarded with so many negative images and stereotypes. It doesn’t matter the medium, radio, television and print have arbitrarily concluded that the world needs a villain and the antagonist shall forever remain the American Negro. After all, bad guys do wear black…skin. I am firmly convinced that we cannot get along at this rate so rather than collude to some presumptuous semblance of peace, It’s about time we all either establish balanced reporting or S.T.F.U (I would use the appropriate expletive here but some of you read this at work and server censorship is at an all time high).

Before this gets written off as some Pro-Panther, militant resurgence rant, give me a cotton pickin’ second here! I am in no way concerned with inciting nor revisiting any racial grievances for those will forever persist and to be quite frank, I like whitey. I like yellowy, darky and damn near everybody. What I despise however is everybody all at once, and with the same resounding message. THE BLACK MAN IS THE SCOURGE OF SOCIETY! I AM THE BLACK PLAGUE! I AM THE FIFTH HORSEMAN OF APOCALYPSE. I get it already. I’m really Shrek but you mean to tell me no one can find any positive AND entertaining stories of black males to grace the cover of the Daily Bugle!?

I open my morning e-paper to find that black boys are disproportionately stupid in comparison to stupid white boys who are all stupider than a growing number of third world students. I turn on the television to hear yet another “Oprah says” saga of all the black men fornicating with other men behind their wives backs. OK then. I guess I’ll just hop on the social networks and read all the tweets and fb updates of the lazy, shiftless, no good, wanna be rapper, baby daddies who never want to get married and cheat and lie and… Allllllrighty then. I guess I’ll just go to the movies to forget about all this man bashing. Damn! Just missed Megamind. Guess I’ll see For Colored Girls instead….

You know what? Fuck your server! Fuck your couch too!Everyone else gets to parade around town with commentary on how screwed up black men are and because men don’t speak, I’m supposed to remain reticent? What the fuck son!

I grew up in a working class neighborhood where everyone was represented. The future drug dealers, drug users, business owners, doctors, rapists and lawyers of America all lived within the same 2X2 block radius (and were often indistinguishable from one another.) I am not debating that all these harrowing tales of doom and despair purported by the media aren’t rooted in truth. I am also however not oblivious to the fact that there are other stories to be told. The long winded point is why is it always the same stories regurgitated in mass media? Am I supposed to embrace the ogre role as the media usurps my civility in an effort to shatter box office records? As stated previous, please see “you, fuck!” And I don’t mean that in no nice, Cee Lo Green, Gwenyth Paltrow Glee rendition, sorta way. And the “you” I’m talking about here is the Media. And the Media here is ALL OF US!
Residing in a blame centric society where causation for all strife must be identified (or manufactured) then branded so that an equally marketable solution can ultimately be sold for profit, it seems the #1 leading symptom for a bad day (and evidently the best selling) is a black man. The big scarwee negwo (insert Scooby-Doo spooky ghost howl here) is still the boogie man to one and all. I’m actually surprised the recent H1N1 outbreak wasn’t renamed the Chitlin’ Flu. Everyone loathing black men, including other black men and women is not quite how I envisioned equality.

Maybe I’m deluded. Either I’m living in a bubble or I really should be considering going towards the white light…..Nah.

Let’s all try something innovative going forward. For every shitty fact you forward about your least favorite Mandingo, find something positive to profess also… or punch yourself in the face. And if you can’t find anything good to say then you aren’t trying hard enough so assault your face as an affront against apathy.We could also remove our force fed intellects from the asses of the media outlets from which we gather our “intelligence.” That’s always an option. Most of us listen to the radio complaining “they only play the same 3 songs” while negligent that we only listen to the same 3 stations. It would help if we all remained cognizant of our dissidence along with whose messages we chose to rebroadcast on our personal networks. The worst part of most storms these days seems to be the forecast and not the storm itself.


Act Like a Man a.k.a Insert the World’s Smallest Violin Here

In Did You Notice?, Humor, Self Help on March 8, 2010 at 4:12 pm

I think I was about 15 years old when I received my first and most important “man law”. There was a party being thrown by a classmate of mine and due to my academic shortcomings, I was told that I need not prepare an Oscar outfit for I would not be in attendance. I wasn’t aware at that point that even if I were a straight A student, I probably still wouldn’t have been allowed to attend but I had managed to arm my folks with the gift of bad grades as grounds for their latch key aspirations. So as I began to cry like a punk biotch, my dad sternly instructed me that “Men don’t cry!” Ok. Fair enough. I’ll suck the snot back up. What Pops failed to do however was to alert me as to what alternative and acceptable means of emoting was officially sanctioned by the male code of ethics.

Men, and especially African American/Latino men are emotionally crippled. Since we are disproportionately afflicted by all other societal ailments, yada yada yada,,, Not sure where it originates but social conditioning and fictitious male archetypes tend to dictate acceptable means of emoting. We look to the toughest of tough guys for emotional guidance,both on the block and in our blockbusters. The best part of every action movie is when our hero fights through some sort of unimaginable emotional (“you killed my father!”) and physical injury. Nothing says MAN” like dispensing of an adversary while a 30-inch blade dangles from the puncture wound in your upper chest. I don’t know about you but if you shove a blade through my sternum, you can label me whatever size vagina you like as I am most certainly hitting the floor while yelping like a new born calf as I clutch my chest and question the universe a la Nancy Kerrigan (“Why? Why?”).

Unfortunately, society also champions gratuitous bravado in reality. Even after long and illustrious careers (6-7 years) professional athletes barely allow themselves to cry upon retirement. Said sports hero must suck it up, pause, forgive himself for having emotions, pause again, hold their hat, shirt or clipboard in front of their face, then preface his crying with the statement, “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry”. It is no secret that men are not supposed to exude any sort of emotion that is not marred in seriousness. A little humor is ok but not too much. Unless your last name ends in Pryor, Murphy or Rock, no one appreciates all that mirth and glee.

Even our true masters (women) prefer the strong silent type. Unbeknownst to them, women are ultimately requesting the strong serial killer type but who am I to question preference?

For the record, men are allowed to cry when A) An extremely close relative dies & B) An extremely close relative dies. And even then, no facial expression must be shown. A stiff upper lip with an occasional tear begrudgingly streaming down a man’s cheek is enough to alert the world that he is dying inside. After the funeral however, he is on his own. I am no way calling for a nation of blubbering brothers but the alternative seems to be an inability to deal with common, everyday stresses, and it is killing us.

When you don’t present someone with healthy emotional options, they will find new and imaginative ways of dealing. Most internalize or resort to Jack Daniels and Mary Jane abuse but some will surly resort to extreme forms of “Man crying” a.k.a punching holes in walls, throwing things and eventually, throwing people. Stress induced heart attacks and the prison industrial complex are the end destinations for many emotionally maladjusted males. Too many are hell bent on keeping it real, not realizing that their version of reality bites. We all know what happens when keeping it real goes wrong so It’s way beyond time we figured out how to deal. Real talk.

*Sidebar- Acknowledging that most stresses are self-inflicted is Advanced Emotion 102 so let’s just stick with the basics for now. Sidebar complete

Man to English Dictionary: What he says vs. what he really means:

“I need to go to the gym” – “I need to get some of this aggression out before I kill somebody.”

“I’m going out with the fellas.” – “I need to tell someone who I almost killed this week.”

Silence. – “I’m about to kill somebody”

“Leave me alone.”– “I’m about to kill you”

“Nah, I’m good.” – “I already killed somebody.. Sell my stuff and tell the kids I love ‘em.”

“But I Can’t Afford the Red Pill!”

In Did You Notice? on September 2, 2009 at 3:29 pm

“Are you sleepy at night? Do you wake up in the morning? Does hunger occur after not eating for extended periods of time? If you have displayed any of these symptoms or know someone who has, you could be suffering from Normalitis. You should ask your doctor about Noneedacil. Yes, Noneedacil. From the makers of prescription glasses with no lenses and the pet rock comes Noneedacil. Results from an independent, quadruple-blind study funded by the board of directors of the company that owns Noneedacil show that patients who took Noneedacil were more likely to take Noneedacil than patients who didn’t (did I mention Noneedacil?) Ask your pusher if Noneedacil is right for you.”

*Side effects include death, dying, nose bleeds, stomach upset, indigestion, aneurisms, diaper rash, erections lasting longer than 4 hours in women, Men menstruating, chicken pox in monkeys, monkey pox in birds, bird flu in pigs and swine flu in guinea pigs a.k.a. you. Pregnant women or women who wish to ever have healthy children shouldn’t take Nooneedacil.

Before I persist, I would like to commend all those (doctors, nurses, midwives, shaman, dulas, etc…) who have dedicated their lives to helping and healing others through the practice of medicine. This is not directed towards you. This is for your boss.

The healthcare industry is in need of serious overhaul. This is not because Lobbyists influence policy making in Washington D.C. This is not because our hypochondriac culture promotes “cure” rather than preventative measures for all ailments, real or imagined. This is not because healthcare costs are the #1 cause of personal bankruptcy in America. This is not because although the most expensive in the free universe, U.S healthcare cares less for its citizens than certain “undeveloped” nations. The reason the healthcare system needs an overhaul is solely because I was told that I had to pay $176 dollars for a prescription ointment and when I asked for the generic brand as a cheaper alternative, the doctor gladly called it in, bringing my new total to $167 (net savings = 9 dolares). This prompted me to consider alternative homeopathic methods of treatment before finally submitting my wallet to a stomach pumping of sorts:

Mix 1 eye of newt, 2 smidges of Bitter Root, 1 bag of Bat balls, 3 pinches of Nutmeg, and a dash of Mike Lawry’s jerk seasoning in a bubbling cauldron, then bake in a steam powered oven @ 75 degrees for 17 minutes. Fluff with a fork and serve tepid.

Needless to say, I am not a fan of healthcare bureaucracy as it stands. With the myriad of diseases that require only funding to eradicate, why would pharmaceutical companies squander resources developing new drugs when they could easily pool funds and literally cure some ailment? But alas, there is no profit in actual progress. There is however money to be made in incremental, regressive, partially hydrogenated rehabilitation. I now understand the backlash against the Obama administration’s attempts at reform and the rational behind slanderous and misleading comparisons to Nazi death panels. The pharmaceutical industry has always been opposed to a final solution.

I read a book a while ago by George Bernard Shaw called the Doctor’s Dilemma. The underlying inspiration for the story was an actual doctor in London who performed procedures that neither helped nor hurt his patients. The ultimate result was that said doctor grew substantially wealthy for his efforts. Sound familiar? Ever wonder why you can’t leave your doctor’s office without a requisition and referral to copay yet another specialist for some overpriced, ineffective medications or treatment? By the way, The Doctor’s Dilemma was written in 1906. It seems there have been doctors without borders (as in not knowing where to draw the line when money is involved) for almost a century now. Until there is some sort of elixir that cures common greed, there will never be an end to this.

Now if you will excuse me, a group of soon to be illegal immigrants, including myself will be attempting to cross borders in the hopes of a better life. We’s escapin’ to Canada!!

Sidebar: It was brought to my attention many years ago that a certain medication (Procardia) was prescribed 12 days before a certain Crazed Afrykan’s father suffered massive cardiac arrest. It was also later identified that this medication may induce, yes you guess it, cardiac arrest in 1-7 % of patients. Now who’s to say if this had anything to do with it? But my point is this: who’s to say it didn’t? No one really cares that a drug that helps a million others may be the one that causes another person’s Pop’s heart to literally pop. The only ones who may concern themselves with that however may be the families of that seemingly insignificant percentile. Sidebar complete.

You Damn Right it’s Personal!

For Every Action…

In Did You Notice?, Humor on August 19, 2009 at 10:15 pm

  1. “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again,” UNLESS “you’ve got to know when to fold ‘em and walk away.”

  2. “An eye for an eye,” UNLESS “two wrongs don’t make a right.”

  3. “Time waits for no man,” UNLESS “patience is a virtue.”

  4. “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes,” UNLESS “all people are created equal.”

  5. “Love will conquer all,” UNLESS “love don’t pay the bills.”

  6. “He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day,” UNLESS “there is nothing to fear but fear itself.”

  7. “Each one teach one,” UNLESS “it’s survival of the fittest.”

  8. “I believe I can fly,” UNLESS “I need to crawl before I can walk.”

  9. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” UNLESS “it’s back to the drawing board.”

  10. “Practice make perfect,” UNLESS ‘experience is the greatest teacher.”

  11. “Live like you have nothing to lose,” UNLESS “you’re living like your life depends on it.”

  12. “Knowledge is power” UNLESS “knowing is half the battle.”

  13. “The truth shall set you free” UNLESS “you can’t handle the truth.”

  14. ”Life is like a box of chocolates” UNLESS “life is just a bowl of cherries”


– Crazed Afrykan

She Got It from Her Mami

In Did You Notice?, Humor on July 21, 2009 at 9:11 am


When we last left off, I was talking about boobies (that’s what I wished she said). So it is only fitting that I speak on the lower extremities of the female anatomy this go round. I am of course speaking of the posterior, affectionately known as the booty, the fatty, the badukadunk, the ass, smuggled midgets, the onion, the apple, “Oh sh*t!”, “Damn!”, “Good God!”, Holy Jesus!”, “Yo Ma”, “The rent is late”, “The divorce is final”, “The car is keyed”, etc… What is it about a sun ripened coconut derriere that drives men, and let’s just be blunt and overtly racist here, black men in particular, so friggin’ insane? I have never seen a group of individuals typically hell bent on maintaining radio silence (specifically New York black men) become so garrulous after viewing a big booty bounce by. My Caucasian comrades are also highly susceptible to the effects of a ripe rump, although not as overtly weakened. Place a phatty in front of two male strangers in ANY environment and watch the salutations ensue (“Did you see that my brotha?! It was crazy son!”  “Why yes Bob. Yes I did. It was indeed swell!”). Through hours of painstaking research in countless bars, clubs, homecomings, and day to day field studies (I also saw a special on PBS), I have uncovered undisputable scientific evidence as to why your hubby / boyfriend / boss / Grandpa / Congressman / Reverend seems to lose his booty-lovin’ mind when an “ass so fat, you could sit a drink on it” is in his general vicinity. 

The following is a direct excerpt from other excerpts taken from Wikipedia and placed on my blog;

 Some researchers have found that the waist-hip ratio (WHR) is a significant measure of female attractiveness. Women with a 0.7 WHR are usually rated as more attractive by men from European cultures. Such diverse beauty icons as Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren and even the Venus de Milo all have or had ratios close to 0.7, even, even though they all have different weights and heights. In other cultures, preferences appear to vary according to some studies, ranging from 0.6 in China, to 0.8 or 0.9 in parts of South America and Africa, and divergent preferences based on ethnicity, rather than nationality, have also been noted.

 Why am I not surprised to find that Spanish and African men prefer bigger booties? They needed research for that? Can someone please pay me to do research on why humans need to breathe air since funding the obvious is clearly a growing trend.

 And since these clowns can make shit up about why I like big butts (I cannot lie), I decided to make up some of my own.

 I.C.M (Independent Cheek Movement) – Although the human female is not climbing a flight of stairs, the illusion can be recreated with the assistance of pedis elevatus devicus (high heel shoes). When supporting an A-1 booty, heels provide the perfect lift / vertical separation necessary for each butt cheek to levitate independently of each other. This phenomena has caused many an individual to board the wrong train, chart inefficient routes to and from desired destinations, spend unnecessary amounts of time loitering way after the party has ended and the venue has closed, then gone to Ihop in desperation of finding any other lingering errant booties that refuse to call it a night (as if he will not be doing it all agan the very next night), and a slew of other acts I, I mean men, have done to lengthen the witnessing of  this occurrence.

 The Face – Not to be confused with the Gas Face, “The Face” is traditionally seen only when

 1.        A Hip hop emcee has just heard the craziest track in his life.

 2.        A sports fan witnesses the execution of a “spectacular move” (see all MJ dunks on Patrick Ewing).

 3.        The morning after a bean burrito buffet.

  The “Right Stuff” has been known to induce street wide pandemics of The Face. The Face is readily identified by the wrinkle lines in the central region of the heterosexual male’s / lesbian’s cranial cortex , accompanied by a look of complete and utter del-usion (delight and confusion). The Face however is remarkably similar to the expression one makes when constipated so please be careful not to misconstrue the two.

 And there you go.  To answer the question on many a lady’s mind and finally put the issue to rest, it is, in fact, that serious. So much so that there are Women in our society who are rich and famous for no other reason alone than their butts i.e. Jennifer Lopez, Buffy the body, Pinky (those who know, know), etc. So the next time you catch your beau mentally absconding with the backside of another, why not commend him for being in touch with nature? Too often do we ascribe to constructs that are subject to amendment but refuse to succumb to the irrefutable laws of nature / mother Africa. You wouldn’t be mad at a baby for being hungry would you so why lash out at a man for ahh forget it. I tried fellas. I suggest you all get a pair of sunglasses with tints darker than Flava Flav and Wesley Snipes fighting ninjas in a licorice factory during a blackout and get your perv on!

 Honorable mention to the new generation of booty’s whose spike in visibility has been attributed to;

 1.        BET Un-cut

2.        106 & Park

3.        Hollywood

4.        Hip Hop

5.        The entire Designer denim industry

6.        Hormone grown, genetically altered, steroid injected digestibles (food I believe it’s called)

7.        The FDA

8.        Apathy