Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

The Great Black Hope

In Politics, Race Relations on February 28, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Far too many folk have placed their hopes in the arms of one administration, particularly, one man. Is it me, or does the notion that a sole individual can reverse the misfortunes of an entire nation seem absurd? It is as dangerous for any man to make that assertion as it is foolhardy for millions to believe it. America felt that once Black Jesus, a.k.a Barack was elected, the world would be a much happier place to live. Not only would there be a chicken in every pot, you would be allowed to smoke pot before you ate your chicken. Harold and Kumar would now be able to vacation on Guantanamo Bay without fear of dining on cock-meat sandwiches, would be able to marry openly in the army and the KKK and the Nation of Islam would conjoin as formidable opponents for Peyton and Eli in the Oreo Double Stuff league (“Farrakhan with an amazing move!”). Shockingly, none of this has occurred in the 365 days after President Obama’s election. WTF?!

Safe to say, our aspirations may have been a bit lofty. It is partly the fault of the current administration as they were the ones who played the ever-original political card of promising all things to all people for the sake of inaugural invites. The problem with playing on the hopes and dreams of the masses is that they will surely hold you accountable (although never hold themselves to the same fire for their own resolutions). The standards are set so high that Barack literally has to rid earth of debt, disease and make sure we never have to kneel before Zod in order to be considered a halfway decent Commander in Chief.

President Obama is not President Bush and we expected better. And even though we are getting much much much better, a Utopian society seems the only satiation for the people of earth. If the mentally challenged kid doesn’t pee on himself for a full day, we give him a cookie and print certificates of achievement for all to see. We may even elect him to a second term. If the straight A student suddenly gets a B+ in thermonuclear physics however, we condemn him and send him to therapy for he may now be “at risk”.

To all those wishing to vote Barack out of office for his economic inefficiencies, I would say pump your breaks, unless your breaks are made by Toyota in which case, turn the engine off, yank on the emergency break and jump out of the vehicle. Voting him out may please the tea party in Virginia but will certainly have no effect on the price of tea in China, or your ability to afford it. To put things in perspective, Dubai is having cash flow issues for God sakes. Dubai!! The most decadent region on earth. This is the place where sheiks construct islands in the likeness of palm trees and their face. A place where the toilet paper is made of 24karat, gold encrusted, 100 euros. It used to be 100-dollar bills but currency exchange rates have caused only the lower middle class residents of Dubai to wipe with USD…peasants! If Dubai is broke (or breaking) then heaven certainly has a wing shortage and maybe we should be a bit more reasonable.

As it relates to the economy, most fail to realize that once you convert your marketplace to a global economy, recovery doesn’t necessarily have to take place in the same geographical region that the recession occurred. China and India are certainly doing better than they were 20 years ago so whose to say what a recovery looks like in a global market? We may not be in a recession at all. We may just be in a realization. And if that’s the case, we may need more than President Barack Obama to help us. A black man of a much higher power may be necessary in this instance. This looks like a job for Morgan Freeman!!


The Take Over / Barack is in Da Buildin’!

In Politics on January 19, 2009 at 12:40 pm

January 20th, 2009

Ladies and Gentleman, in the greatest breach of national security ever documented, Emperor Barack Obama has declared immediately after being sworn in, that he is in fact a terrorist and will be assuming full control of all U.S affairs. Who knew? Using funds generated by t-shirts, “Obama Black” brand marijuana (formally known as Maui Waui), commemorative plates, limited edition Obama Sporks, and minimally circulated Barack half dollars & Michelle Obama dimes, Lord Obama has been able to finance a military led by General Montel Balday Al Medical Marijuana Williams Shabazz, aka “Chemical Baldy”. In the largest recruiter drive the history of any armed forces has ever witnessed, tickets to the movie “Notorious” were given to anyone who enlisted in Obama’s Army. Needless to say, the entire African American populace, including myself, is now a sworn minion. When I, Travis Smiley (no relation to Tavis), questioned his Excellency on his intentions for the now defunct United States of America, Obama’s response was simple, “Ha ha ya punk bitches. Y’all should’a listened to McCain & Fox News. Now I run this bee-yotch! First order of business, Biggie Smalls’ birthday is a holiday! Secondly, I have replaced my entire Cabinet and key members of government with individuals of my choosing and they are as follows:

Vice President – Willy “Sweet Sax” Clinton
Someone is going to have to take the rap for all the hoes up in the Oval office. Michelle will whoop my mulatto monkey ass (again) if she catches me wildin’ out. I caught a half nelson last week just for leaving the fridge door open. I ain’t messing with her. In addition, Willy has a mean jump shot and we have formulated all sorts of “White Men Can’t Jump” scenarios to stimulate the economy. I am truly honored to be elected the second black president, but first dictator, of America.

Speaker of The House – Oprah “ E.F. Hutton” Winfrey
How y’all fools think I got here in the first place? When Oprah talks, people listen! A couple of years ago, I was chillin’ on Oprah Island (located everywhere) with Spike Lee, Denzel, T.I. 50 Cent, Will Smith, and Gail. T.I bet O in a high stakes of game of Taboo that if she lost, we could have whatever we like! Who knew T.I. was nice with the word association? Needless to say, we won and I asked to be President. Denzel asked for an Oscar. Will Smith wanted a spouse who beats him (Will is a freak). I never understood why T.I. asked Oprah for a car with “so much trunk space, I could fit a motherf*ckin’ canon in there!” at that point, but that worked itself out eventually. (“You get a car and you get a car!”)

Secretary Treasury – Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson
In my “new and improved” economic stimulus package titled “Get Rich or Get Shot Trying”, 50 Cent will be routed to your place of residence to shoot you as many times as it takes so you can muster up the courage necessary to pursue your dreams. Once you realize that funding for Social Security will be thoroughly depleted in the next 15 minutes, and you and all corporate CEO’s will soon be replaced by Harvard educated, 15 year old Indian boys who grew up in Slum Dog Millionaire – like conditions, you may abandon your hopes on government and a prosperous retirement (if one at all) and get on your grind! Given the current state of affairs, I am estimating that I will need to retire with at least $1.5 million in the bank to sustain any existence in NYC past ten years. What’s your 401K & Individual Retirement Annuity (IRA) balance looking like these days? Thought so. GGG GGG G Unit!

Secretary of Agriculture – Cordozar Calvin “Snoop Doggy Dogg” Broadus, Jr.
Marijuana is now legal! Don’t y’all trick ass marks read? Almost $30 billion in illegal revenue was generated by chronic sales alone in the top 5 states in 2006. California was # 1 with $14 billion, of which, $7.9 billion, was purchased in Long Beach County at an undisclosed location (Snoop’s crib). I think we could use the taxes on $30 billion in annual revenue, don’t you? I know Ford Motors could have sure used some of that green in the last few months (either one). Plus when I get hizzle, I see all types of shizzle more clizzle. There are so many wizzles we could grizzle and harvest crizzles without harming the ozone lizzle or using illegal immagrizzles. Don’t you aggrizzle? Fa shizzle!”

Secretary of Defense – Marion “Suge” Knight
“In the news today, Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were gunned down in a series of unsolved drive by shootings.” And that’s all I got’s to say about that.” Obama said.

Secretary of Homeland Security – Dudes From Any and All Projects in America
“Have you ever heard of anyone trying to get INTO the projects? Al Queda ain’t messin’ with Al Cabrini Green!”

This may either be the saddest day in the history of democracy or the dawning of a new totalitarian but effective method of governance. Only time will tell. This is Travis Smiley reporting. Good night, God speed and please support Channel 13!”

Final thought –

A couple of blogs back, I suggested that Barack’s victory would be one in “symbolism only”. I gravely underestimated the power of symbolism as all things are defined, codified, and categorized by symbols; right down to the very alphabet we use to communicate. A symbolic victory is about as actual, if not more actual, than actual reality for it determines present and future realities; just ask your friendly neighborhood crucifix.

For the next four years, Democrats will support virtually every decision made by President – no longer elect – Barack Hussien Obama (damn it feels good to say that shit!), much like Republicans did for Bush’s first four. We, as Democrats, will find ways to rationalize a majority of his decisions, lest they be openly and obviously egregious. Just keep in mind that unilateral, misguided idealism leads to the abuse of power and most of America’s ailments, currently, historically, and always.

I am elated that Obama won the election, for the collective jubilance exuded by the free world would’ve been equally disparaging had the outcome been unfavorable, and who needs that amount of depression during a recession? I am however not boarding any planes, trains or automobiles to celebrate Obamafest 2009 in our nation’s capital. Economic charity begins at home and for only $9.95, I can instruct you on how to recreate the entire inaugural experience, and right here in Brooklyn too! Just drive your car to the entrance of the Brooklyn Bridge and turn the ignition off for 3 days if you so relish traffic and angry mobs. If it’s all the same to you. I’m good! I have already proven my blackness. I have no further desire to generate “where were you when Barack was . . .?” anecdotes for his swearing in. I actually proved my blackness a while ago in the KFC Annual Extra Crispy Cross Country Relay and Freestyle Competition (came in second). Those Obamalicious (patent pending) bbq wings never stood a chance!

Barack-A-Fella Y’all!

In Politics on November 3, 2008 at 11:52 am

So you really thought I wasn’t gonna send a public service announcement before the election? Now that’s just being ridiculous. The hoopla, fanfare, and unnecessary commentary has reached its apex (insert blog here) and election eve is finally upon us. Barack Skywalker and Joe B Won Kenobi patiently await reinforcements from the People’s Federation. Chancellor John “McCain” Palpatine (all he is missing is the cape) and his apprentice Darth Palin of the Republic (ans) wish to further the unilateral autocracy that is somehow Jar Jar Bush and Cheney the Hut. This must not happen! If you deluded little Ewoks hang the wrong chad tomorrow or somehow allow complacency or voter suppression to dissuade the choice of a new generation, you deserve whatever you get and I am moving the fuck off Endor!

With one day left, our hero, Senator Barack “Black Jesus” Obama is mildly ahead in the polls and teeters on the crux of impending victory. The winner receives wars involving Iraq, absolutely Afghanistan, possibly Pakistan, imminently Iran, questionably Korea, a depressing recession, the Intergalactic rise of communism visa vie Russia and China, and a T Pain / Lil Wayne performance at the inauguration. No one in their American loving minds should trust polls if they are remotely familiar with politics. If you have ever taken a statistics class or just paid close attention, you know the near improbability of a poll being remotely objective. Factors as seemingly insignificant as the voice of said pollster soliciting your opinion can effect your answer so if Mr. T were to ask who you were voting for in his Clubber Lang voice, you may be inclined to say Obama (or shit your pants). Given the margin of error that Senator Barack Hussein Obama narrowly surpasses (no relation to Saddam Hussein, or Hussein Hitler, or Hussein Manson or any other Hussein the GOP has attempted to link him to), the Bradley affect, and the undetermined undulation that is the “Undecided Vote”, there is no cause for celebration as yet so don’t break out the Schlitz malt liqueur just yet.

Undecided Voters as defined by Non African Americans –Racists who still reside in Killanegro, Georgia

Undecided Voters as defined by African Americans —————-

Some guy wrote an article and I wish I remembered his name so I could give him credit but the article basically stated that if you are still undecided at this point in time, maybe you shouldn’t vote. I couldn’t agree more. Just because you have a voice doesn’t mean you should be heard if you are not abreast of the subjects at hand. We have all stood next to that person on the train (and some of you are that person) and wished Agent Smith would show up and remove their lips like he did in the Matrix. If you are voting simply because you can and have no relevant incite as to who the candidates are, stay the f*ck home and shut the f*ck up! Sidebar; If we all registered as undecided or independent voters, wouldn’t all politicians have to cater to all the people instead of picking and choosing which states to color red or blue, then ignore and campaign mainly in battleground states? They will never do away with partisan politics so maybe we should. Just a thought.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I will be supporting Obama. My highly researched methodology of choosing said candidate is as follows; any man waking up to a booty as supple and bountiful as Michelle Obama’s stands to make better decisions throughout the course of the day. I know I’m not the only one who saw that onion back there. Damn baby girl! First Lady got back! And yes I did reduce an incredibly intelligent, driven, inspirational and probably iconic woman into a pin up girl in King Magazine. This is further testament that Barack makes good decisions for that is in fact the desire of all men. We all just want a big brain we desire to bang all over the bedroom (at least I do). In an unprecedented reversal of roles, this could be the first time in presidential history that constituents desire to screw their politicians (and spouses). So while the lady folk fawn over Senator Obama, or as I like to refer to him, Will Smith in 20 years, I will be patiently awaiting any errant camera shots of the behind that is behind every successful man. But I digress.

My fellow Americans (and by Americans I mean all you foreigners who have lived in this country dating back to Christopher Columbus), get your monkey Asses out tomorrow and vote! NY will most certainly go Democratic but we may need the extra 2 million popular votes as states evidence to help combat whatever shenanigans loom in the Republican wings. And to my black friends and relatives, I am almost certain their will be no reparations check in the mail so try and act civil no matter the outcome of tomorrow’s election. No crying or singing or marching or rioting or overturning cars or clicheing me to death with “The dream of Dr. King has finally been realized” or “The man is still trying to hold us down”, etc. . . Just try and behave like adults and conduct yourselves in a respectable, composed manner. And if you will be attending the hooky party at the crib tomorrow, BYOB!

This message was paid for by the Black Panther Party, Al Queda, and Terrorists for Obama!

Black is the New White

In Politics, Race Relations on August 7, 2008 at 10:15 am

If I may paraphrase the internationally renowned thespian Will Ferrell, “I’m so angry right now”. I am thoroughly incensed by the steady flow of covert racial innuendo being levied against Senator Barack Obama. Seems every opportunist and closet racist in America has geared up to spew acrimony in the name of capital benefit. Tee shirts with monkeys holding bananas, “Obama is my slave” sweatshirts, “Baby momma” references about his wife (Fox News of course), and the now nefarious New Yorker cover are all part of the recent onslaughts. I would personally suggest those responsible for the rampant libeling go fuck themselves with a pre owned condom but that’s just me.

I never believed an African American presidential candidate could be taken seriously in an election. More astonishing is to fathom a blackish man having to defend himself against elitist accusations. Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing but bloodclot multi millionaires have occupied the position of president since the inception of the position of president and now classism takes the forefront? Sans Theresa “Sweet Tomatoes” Heinz – Kerry & Cindy “Barley & Hops” McCain, both of whom are extremely wealthy spouses, I rarely recall affluence being a detriment to the perceived, presumed, presidential candidate elect (maybe). One cannot partake in this mockery of an electoral process without millions upon millions of dollars spent ad nauseum (a seemingly victorious cocktail of campaign contributions and one’s own personal wealth). Don’t know about the rest of you but if millions were at my disposal, I am no longer a commoner. I may be common but the suit is most certainly Armani! News flash; if your multiple income streams afford you the luxuries of a particular socioeconomic class, i.e. the governing 10%, and you indulge in said social practices, you are an elitist. Jay-Z can holla Marcy Projects al dia y todo dia until his lungs collapse but I doubt he still consumes fried bologna sandwiches (take a note kids, the bologna is not ready until it swells and forms the coveted bologna dome in the middle of the pan).

America Inc. was founded by rich guys and for rich guys (est. 1776) so how could anyone vying for the CEO position not be considered an elitist? We have always held these truths to be self evident that all affluent Caucasian males are created equal provided they enslave Africans (update to middle class) for their own financial benefit whilst perpetuating misogynist practices (I made some amendments to the constitution, sue me). Which begs me to ask; “Is Barack’s elitist-ism more apparent considering he doesn’t mirror the image of the prototypical elitist? Loosely translated; who does this zebra think he is running for president of white America?

Be it financial or intellectual, I personally don’t care if the candidate is an elitist. I wouldn’t want to imagine what a layman would be tempted to do with executive privilege. You could very well see a chromed out Air Force One parked outside my next barbeque were I elected president, just to prove to all the haters that I have arrived! And we have all enjoyed the benefits of having a president whose intellectual discourse rivals the children he is not trying to leave behind. My main concern is that said candidate be a realist.

Here’s an innovative notion; How about attacking B.A Barack’s ass on the principles under which he is actually campaigning? I don’t believe most folks are well informed as to his intended policies. We are however familiar with his pastor, his children, his parents, his affinity for basketball, his upbringing, his pet peeves, etc . . . Not really sure if I should vote for him for president or the next American Idol, nor what’s the difference would be.

I guess I should be in full support of Senator Obama. He is African, he is male, he is a Democrat and he plays basketball (were virtually brothers). Honestly though, there is no genetic predisposition to support all things “black” and as such, I have the luxury of individual perspective. Senator Obama is still a politician entrenched in a system predicated on greed, grandular delusions (not a word but it is now), and personal gain. If not by osmosis alone, Barack’s hands are dirty. Let us also not assume that his nomination alleviates Black America’s woes. It is a victory in symbolism only, similar to impaling the moon’s surface with one’s flag pole.

This is not to say that I am a McCain advocate by any stretch of the imagination. In addition to his many polices coinciding with that of the Bush administration (who knew wrong was the new right), his campaign seems inconsequential in comparison to hurricane Obama. Truth be told, I would sooner vote for the Hamburglar (his ideas on anti obesity legislation are quite progressive).

As always, we are down to the lesser of 2 evils. The lesser evil this go round just happens to half belong to the race commonly perceived as evil, rendering said decision more enigmatic for some. Personally, I will vote for Obama and I will feel proud that a black man is in office should he win (I know I contradicted myself but I don’t need that now). I should feel better that the right person for the job is elected and I will should that occur but I would be lying if I didn’t admit some semblance of solidarity.

The beauty of this nation (insert Star Spangeld Banner here) is that we are constantly presented opportunities to trail blaze arenas commonly designated for the status quo. I do hope that Obama mirrors the Eminem phenomena and not the Vanilla Ice example. The raising of any mission accomplished banners post inauguration should be averted however for it will be just the beginning of the Obama bashing. So let the perceived, presumed, first, literally African-American but not quite white Presidential elect bashing begin (maybe)! I hope Barack has G. I Joe, S.H.E.I.L.D, Navy Seals, Bloods, Latin Kings, Attack Force Delta, Oprah, and every other special forces detail at his disposal for it is going to be quite an exciting 4 years.