Archive for the ‘Relate to Me’ Category

Why I Can’t Get Married….Yet.

In Relate to Me on October 6, 2010 at 10:17 am

The following takes place on on Friday October 1, 2010. The response is a response to a response. The conclusion: We should all be more responsible. The subject relates to what men (one in specific) are so afraid of when it comes to marriage. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and those foolish enough to actually speak the truth in public. Lets Watch:

CA:You damn right I’m scared. I’m scared that I know exactly what love feels like but I don’t know what the hell marriage has to do with it. I’m scared that everyone around me keeps trying to convince me of a man made invention that they also have no idea of how it works. I feel like people keep trying to convince me to buy this product or my life will somehow be incomplete. I’m scared of getting into something I don’t understand AND THEN doing it with the wrong person. How confident would you be about flying a jumbo jet for the first time with a moron as your co-pilot?

But I’m mad courageous and extremely proud of it. I date, relate and have tried to entertain things that I couldn’t tolerate or even understand for the sake of making it work. I am also a realist. I realize that until I meet the person I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness for, I know I am not ready to get married. Whether that trigger is external or internal, it has not occurred. Doesn’t mean I sit back and ridicule out of fear either. This is the part of the conversation where I get to talk mad shit because I am so not the dude that ladies love to bad mouth. I am built for a relationship. I happily and willingly do all that bullshit ya’ll say you want and you know what else I realized, a lot of people just aren’t conditioned to even accept what they say they want.

Secretly, you want turmoil. You want “excitement”. The norm is too mundane. You want me to spice up your unfulfilled life until your arteries corrode and collapse because you somehow think being with the same person for the rest of your life is supposed to be Mardi Gras everyday.

If you were raised by humans, you were raised under dysfunction and probably wouldn’t know how to exist in a functional relationship if it got down on one knee with a 10K princess cut. All you have to go on is what you saw and what you experienced and how narrow of a scope is that? Until you do some relationship rehabilitation, Which consists primarily of self evaluation, you aren’t any good to anyone.

I may lose some friends on this one but let’s just all be honest and hope we are all listening.

If the Knicks put me on the squad right now, I couldn’t play. Despite my undying love for basketball, women and millions of dollars, I am not conditioned to accept the things I said I wanted. Let’s be really real here. A lot of people can’t put down the bloodclot pork chop sandwich long enough to realize how something like weight can shift the tide of a relationship. We all want to be in shape but that 5 dollar foot long just keep calling. Does this make you a bad person and unlovable? Absolutely not. But do you really expect someone to love you even though you don’t love yourself enough to show concern for your health, forget the aesthetic component? Is it foul? I don’t know. I can’t help what men like. You ovulate through tubes, I salivate over boobs. Thems the breaks.

It takes a lot to be in a relationship and I am scared to death of anyone who says they want to be in one because I know they are saying it for their own benefit and not for the other person, especially since you haven’t even met him/her yet. You just heard relationships were the place to be so that’s where you want to be. Plus your people’s got one… even though most speak nothing but negativity of the opposite sex. Some people are so scared of never falling in love that they never take time to develop the skills to BE loved, which involves loving the hell out of yourself first. And that takes a lot of time. What if your biological clock is not in sync with your maturity clock? Then what?

You cannot go into a selfless act like a relationship with selfish intent and expect it to work. The woman who I want to marry will probably want to be with me regardless of the institution and that is EXACTLY why I will marry her. Because she cares more about me than her status and perception. You said it perfectly earlier and it had nothing to do with this topic but it was in this thread and extremely relevant;

“There are only two pains in life Girl, the pain of discipline and the pain of regret!”

Are you disciplined enough to be someone’s spouse? Do most women even know what men want in a relationship? Did you even ask? Are you conditioned and willing to do those things or does he have to “love and accept you for who you are?” Ask yourself honestly, was the relationship ever about the man or did you just find someone who you don’t mind doing things for so he could make you happy in return?

As my dad used to say, “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!”

*Sidebar: OK so I said it….. And I meant it!!!” Sidebar complete.


How You Like-a De Spice?

In Race Relations, Relate to Me on July 29, 2009 at 11:11 am

All new age men please place one hand on Halle Berry and repeat after me;

I (state your name), as an advanced race of man, who has transcended all racial, economical, and prejudicial barriers, hereby do solemnly decree, from this day forth, to befriend, date, hold hands, impregnate, love, marry, remain faithful, divorce, cheat on, cheat with, and cheat for, ALL women, and of ALL races, colors and creeds,  provided they fulfill my sexual, emotional, intellectual, and aesthetic desires, both temporary and permanent.     

I shall not hold culpable the ignorance of those, both female and male, who are members of my individual race, and still cling steadfast to antiquated, Aryan inbreeding, non cross-fertilization practices. I realize that all women are the Creator’s creation, and that all vaginas bring about equal happiness and stress alike. I refer to my detractors as “haters”, brusheth their insolence offeth my shouldereth, and proceed with my daily goings and comings.

 I will hold in high regard and bestow bountiful accolades upon any man who returns with social networking anecdotes remotely resembling the following; “Yo son, she’s half Scandinavian / half Uruguayan and her Mom was raised in Brooklyn.” “Say word!?” “Word” shall in fact be said and many a pound / dap / high five / commonly accepted gesture for “You da’ man!”, shall be given to any and all males in the immediate vicinity, and within a two bar stool radius, and later again upon the retelling of said tales of conquests, and later again when the relationship has soured and you recount to your besteth of comrades the sordid and freaky acts that transpired on your living room sofa and caution that he never resteth his head on the throw pillows again t’were you him.

 I acquiesce wholly to this doctrine with the full understanding that my wife, girlfriend, mistress and / or female friends will berate, bemoan, and chastise me to the fullest extent of their shortsighted bias. I am prepared to withstand any backlash that may befall me. I have however prepared a series of aliases and surnames under which I shall use to conceal my identity in the event the “haters” should attempts to recover any written evidence of my involvement.

So say one, so say We all  


Captain James Tiberius Kirk

 Sidebar: GET OVER IT! Sidebar Complete.

Strength and Conditioning

In Relate to Me on March 29, 2009 at 4:01 pm

If you were asked to live underwater for the remainder of your life, what immediate skill sets would you require to survive? For one, you would have to learn how to convert oxygen from the water into a breathable gas, and since we humans are not equipped with gills, we would need some sort of everlasting breathing apparatus. We would also have to learn all the dangers of the ocean and conduct ourselves accordingly, as to not end up on some fisherman’s hook or a midday snack for a great white. Failure to adapt and evolve in that environment would literally render you a fish out of water and undoubtedly result in death. Taking the same lessons for evolution and survival into account, what skills would an individual from a single parent household require to survive in a relationship?

Although no child is responsible for being raised in a single parent household, living life like a victim (or not realizing that you were one) will undoubtedly ensure future failures. And since my definition of single parent households is not rooted solely in the traditional connotation, you may want to take note. If you only had one parent available as a child, you grew up in a single parent household (obvious enough). If you had both parents in the house, but one was not there physically or emotionally, you grew up in a single parent household. If you grew up in a household with one or both parents engaging in an abusive relationship, you very well could be an orphan. Not learning at all is far better than learning incorrectly if your application results in others adopting, then perpetuating misguided methodologies. As an adult however, the burden of your relationship’s success lies squarely on your shoulders.

Teamwork, Communication, and consideration for your partner are but a few lessons that could easily be missed when growing up with only one parent present. If there were no other male-female relationship archetypes available as a frame of reference, aside from the parent-child model, then the ability to go forth and relate intimately to your own partner is hindered. Single parents probably develop their kids to also be single parents unknowingly and by default. They may also feel guilty about single parenthood and either over compensate or under develop in certain areas (like not whooping lil’ Jo Jo’s butt when he acts up because yo baby daddy ain’t doing right by him). And since these kids have had to make peace with their realities from childhood, under what hallucinogens would they have to be subjected to as adults in order to undertake the task of amending a perfectly dysfunctional but functional business model? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it right? Here’s the catch though; it is broken. You’ve just been hopping around on one leg for so long that bipedal means of transport seems foreign to you. You do not want to be a single parent either (no one does). You just don’t know how not to be. Assuming you even want to try and change, you are also not going to become fluent in Italian after conversing in English all your life, UNLESS you make a daily, concerted effort to learn another language. So order the Roseta Stone Language of Love Cd’s immediately if you intend on living like Cliff & Claire Huxtable.

Lets be clear here, no one ever said children with both parents had the market cornered on relationship skills either. As stated earlier, a flat tire is just as good as no tire at all so please don’t pat yourself on the back because your workaholic, alcoholic, molestoholic, physical abusuaholic dad lived with you. There are also lessons not taught / reinforced when one grows up in a dual parent household. The notion that a partner is essential for survival creates codependent tendencies and can be mentally debilitating when ascribing to the ideal that you are supposed to be in a relationship (but currently aren’t).

Successful single parents are empowering examples for those without the luxury of both. To be quite honest, those examples are very necessary in this day and age as the number of joint parent families drastically diminish. I can’t help but wonder if healthy relationships skills have become obsolete, and just when I think I know what I’m supposed to be doing too. I finally get the hang of this Facebook thing and everyone’s moved on to Twitter.

So enough with the reasons why it is what it is. I am here to make suggestions to make it not what it was so it can be something else (don’t worry, I’m confused too). I bid you all adieu with some helpful hints for dysfunctional adults: Wesside!!

1. Communication. I know you are not comfortable with this because you do not have experience but you have to start now. Communication is not just about speaking on the things that you are comfortable speaking on. If you are getting bored in your relationship for instance, although hard to address, speak on it. You could be surprised by the fact that your partner has been in the relationship for the same duration and could be bored also. Or he / she could leave you immediately for mentioning your disinterest. Either way, you just added some excitement to your life so mission accomplished. You may also want to consider communicating with your ears instead of your mouth.

2. Consideration. Once you are in a relationship, do nothing without considering the other person. NOTHING! Meals, finances, friends, etc are all subject to joint decision making. Whatever he / she likes to do for you, he /she also likes done to them so take heed. And if you enjoy receiving, you damn well better learn to enjoy giving. The last thing you want is to feel like you are in a non-reciprocal relationship because you will conduct yourself accordingly at that point. I take that back. The last thing you want is to be hearing everything I am currently stating from your significant other.

3. Preconditions. There are none. No one ever lasts long in a job where they draw the line as to what tasks they will and will not do, especially if you are part owner. You are joint owner in your relationship and it should be treated as a business. Once you start setting aside non-negotiables, you are actively investing in a failed relationship. Any entrepreneur can tell you that in order to be successful, you must discover, consider, then engage everything that is required (ethically if possible), especially the tasks that are least desired. Keep in mind that you are trying to bring 2 unique and equal sets of values and ideals to the table. Although you are quite comfortable and adept at just doing you, so is your partner. The point however is to do each other (yes, in that way too).

4. Appearances. Your single parent had no one to impress daily so there was no reason to maintain his or her appearances other than for self-serving purposes. Now I know what you’re thinking; “My spouse better love me for me! I ain’t walking around the house in high heels and I will go the gym when I damn well feel like it. I am the boss of me!” I hear you my Brotha! Go on girlfriend! No, seriously, go on. No one can force you to be attracted to someone if you are not. According to my limited circle of friends, people are attracted to other people who are in shape. Not with great asses or strong shoulders or extremely gorgeous, although all that helps, just in shape. All we really have to do is just stay in shape and you are 75% accomplished in the aesthetic department. When your body is on point, you can rip the runway with sweat pants and a wife beater so stop mastering the stairs in Burger King and get you ass on that Stairmaster.

What Men Want!

In Relate to Me on December 14, 2008 at 7:02 pm

* The following post refers to the desires of men. You may view language deemed lewd and inappropriate to women. Do not be alarmed. It is the nature of man and his native dialect must be spoken in order to successfully communicate. Pussy. There, I said it.

When we last left off, The Council of 11 (see prior blog) holistically addressed the wants of all women worldwide. When it was suggested that the needs of men also be discussed, I was told that it would be my shortest entry to date for male desires could easily be surmised in three words; Sex, Food, Beer. My sardonically infused retort; ha ha ha, lol, lmao, and lmfao. Ladies, I see it’s that time of the month again when your ignogestorone levels are through the roof. Oversimplification of the male psyche lends further credence to the gender divide. Men actually just want to spoon after we have sex and discuss marital plans ALL the time (pause for sustained laughter). Although we want sex, food & beer, any real man can tell you, Old English 800 bears no semblance to the finest of German ales. Seems we must re-engage negotiations in an effort to thoroughly delineate our desires. So put your damn Blackberry down and pay attention this time (I am convinced all women make love to their Blackberry’s / PDA’s at night!)

Sex – All vaginas are not created equal. We all know that 98% of vaginas are pleasurous canals of pure wonderment and delight. In order to understand why “He went to Jarred” however, we must realize that the packaging around said love box has already met prior specifications. Most men will have sex with just about anything with a heart beat and two X chromosomes, but ladies, do you really want to fall into the “anything” category? The true testament to how well your presentation is received rests not in its initial acceptance but in frequency (your staying power). When a man desires intercourse multiple times from the same woman, it speaks volumes about that woman, more so than the act of sex itself. Be it your effervescent aroma (hygiene), your sexy body (self-respect and esteem), or the way you make us feel during copulation (attentive and accommodating), your actions are executors to your mind’s estate and a mirror as to how you may handle otra tasks de la nuptials. A woman who doesn’t care if you got your nut off may also not care about making you a sandwich if you’re famished. All these factors contribute to helping me bust that literal and proverbial nut. Most importantly though, your sexy body should ignite the raging animal nature of man!!! Your ass should make all men want to bend you over the playground swing midday and lay waste to the structural integrity of the American Steel Welders Union. If your man is not willing to attack a rabid bear with a spatula to get some booty from you, renew your Bally’s membership.

Food – Food in this instance is representative of the edification of the soul. Nah. Fuck that. This is about What Men Want! Food means food! Firstly, realize that when you romanticize about being with the man of your dreams, you omit the FACT that you will be replacing his mother as the primary woman in his life and chief steward of all duties thereof. Expectations run high. Until we all (both men and women) realize that you are not our mothers, the only plausible solution is to do everything our mommies used to do. This includes a steaming hot, seven-course meal prepared immediately upon returning home from work everyday. Lemme guess; you’re tired right? You worked hard and your boss is a dick and your commute is long and blah blah blah . . . “Is today Monday Night Football?” Oh I’m sorry, my mind drifted amidst all the belly aching about why you are terrible spousal material. My ass stayed chunky because my mom was / is an iron chef with 11 herbs and spices and your momma was too so who are you trying to bamboozle and lead astray? Let’s just call this what it is, you just don’t feel like cooking. The main difference between your momma and you (and this goes for generation X really) is that your momma was willing to do what was necessary to keep the party going and you just want to party. You are not a terrible person for this however (I guess). Just don’t ask to host the party if you don’t want the responsibilities that come with it.

Beer – Beer represents “I love you but get the hell outta my face!” Men call it beer. Women call it shopping, the Lifetime Network, Oprah, etc. . . . If a man is drinking beer, he is trying to escape. Be it from the rigors of life, or the fact that his significant other is leading him to drink, leave him be. The sweet nectar of the gods is the vessel that leaves Ginger, Maryanne, and Ms. Howell ashore as Thurston, Gilligan, Skipper, and the Professor sail off with a coconut crusted bong and the Giants game on the transmitter radio. Whether we are reliving our youth and virility through professional sports (of which you are not a part), or browsing for your potential replacement at the bars and clubs (of which you will soon be a part), beer represents man time. A time where men can partake in traditional Man games such as “Can you guess what I had for lunch by the smell of my farts”, “Did I shower today?” and my personal favorite, “Oh shit son, look at her ass!” (for ages 10 and up, no ASS-embly required). Beer doesn’t necessarily represent beer though. It could be any testosterone-infested activity harmful to either said man or those around him. The trick to “BEER” is knowing how to read your man’s beer face. If he remotely looks like he may be having the type of day that warrants a beer, immediately retrieve several beers from the fridge and roll them into the room without being seen (the mere site of you may further infuriate the situation), then retire to the bedroom fully naked until he comes to get you. It may be minutes. May be weeks. Time is not relevant. Do your part!

If you as a woman have somehow managed to provide Sex, Food, and Beer for your man as decreed above, you are already happily married and this was a complete waste of your time. The rest of you however, take it from the top.

*Side bar; Women who cannot perform this doctrine in it’s entirety should not be frustrated, for men are entitled, nay, forced to sleep with the whole (that’s WHOLE) comprised from the sum of other’s parts (the Spanish secretary’s lips, the meter maid’s thighs, your ugly girlfriend’s personality after a 21 Patron shot salute, etc). Sidebar complete.

I Know What Girls Like

In Relate to Me on November 30, 2008 at 9:21 pm

Ladies, there was a council meeting a few days ago and the topic of discussion was “What Women Want”. In the interest of fair and balanced representation, the council consisted of 11 partially intoxicated men and no women present (you already know you ladies are in trouble). We figured the best way to address this issue was to not actually ask women what they want, but to utilize our infinite powers of deduction to create our own hypothesis. After all, we are men and we don’t ask for directions! In an unprecedented occurrence, men were actually able to speak their minds without fear of retaliation. It felt like one of those underground rebel meetings where we plot to eventually over throw our oppressors, but smile in their faces like dimwitted idiots upon sight (“yassa boss, I’s pics up all da cottin! Meanwhile, your inner thoughts scream “Once my people are united, we will decimate your totalitarian regime and you shall rule no longer! Democracy will prevail!! Shssh! They comin’”)

So let’s cut the crap. What do women want? Women want to be controlled! That’s right. You heard me. You guys want to give up your free will to men. It was concluded that women and men are reared with 2 different mission statements. Women are groomed to take care of home and family and men are supposed to provide said home for their families. As man is the provider, it is then assumed that man is the governing body. For the sake of argument, we will assume this originated in the hunting and gathering era and has persisted since. Men, or rather marriage represents a sanctuary under which women can raise a family, validate their societal worth, and take solace in the ideal that in the event a burglar invades the abode, someone else is tasked with going upstairs in their underwear with a baseball bat and left shoe in hand. After all, I am a man and I wholeheartedly enjoy wrestling naked with heavily armed criminals for which my flat screen is the object of their midnight desires.

Since men are physically stronger, we are supposed to be the kings of our respective castles. And as kings, all subjects shall submit their will to the king or risk beheading (or at least risk imposing questions from your aunt about why you aren’t married yet). If you listen intently, you can almost hear the neo feminist convulsing in their seats as I write. Un bunch your panties my Femme Nikitas for this was not the majority opinion in the room. I was actually impressed by the progressive thinking of the fellas. And here I am thinking I was the only one in touch with my inner Oprah. A majority of the men agreed (as in those who were still awake after all that rum) that although we are the physically dominant species (not counting those American Gladiator chicks), damn near all our actions are based on women and thus, they run this shit! The way men dress, act, travel, breathe, fart, etc . . . is all predicated on how receptive we feel women will be to our actions. Judge Neanderthal however provided the dissenting opinion. He stated “ Women even want you to order their meals for them when you go to restaurants. They want to feel protected and they want you to take control”. Judge Crazy Afrykan disagreed. He argued; ” If someone is doing what I want them to do without me having to lift a finger, how the hell are they in control?” Lets not get confused here. Just because I am the individual actually carrying out the orders does not make me the decision maker. It makes me the soldier. Women don’t want to be controlled. They just want someone they trust enough to make decisions on their behalf that they would’ve made anyway. It is however impossible to find someone you trust when you don’t even trust or know yourself. Which led to part 2 of the discussion.

The room unanimously agreed that this generation’s woman had lost their way. They (notice the exclusion of said author) consented that progressions made as it relates to women’s rights and wages had created murky lines in gender roles and ultimately, the destruction of hierarchy. In the name of equality, countless women have completely discounted their feminine attributes and entered into pissing contests with men, not realizing that we pee with different equipment. Women no longer know how to behave because there are no longer clear definitions for gender behavior. An affliction I affectionately dubbed: Independent Woman Syndrome – The belief that because you earn as much as a man and are quite capable of taking care of yourself, you don’t have to tolerate a man’s shit if you choose not to. Women are correct in this assumption. They really don’t have to take shit from men and are quite adept at taking care of themselves. This lack of humility poses an interesting conundrum. Women, like men, have been raised to believe that we are supposed to exist as a union, so in as much as you try to supplement my bullshit with your thriving career, you inevitably end up feeling empty without me. In addition, you really enjoy having your cake mix stirred with my man ladle. You know you like it ;-). Men have our issues too (and be quiet, we will only talk about one of them today). As much as we enjoy promiscuity, we also feel empty when we don’t have a good woman by our side (the older we get that is). Which is why for all the shit we talk about the unbalanced male / female ratios and how much the scales are in our favor, we somehow end up making public declarations to be faithful to only one woman. Whoever designed our matrix has a terrific sense of humor.

Men and women want the exact same things, happiness and security. Both of these ideals are user specific and time sensitive, which is where the problem lies. On average, it seems that security for men translates to financial stability, and for women, it means a family. Of course men may want families and women don’t relish poverty but society collectively waves the finger only when norms are violated so that is where the focus resides. As Biggie Smalls so eloquently stated, “Being broke @ 30 give a n*gga the chills!” This is why rich guys get to be unmarried a little longer than most without scrutiny and why your aunt will give you ladies more grief about your marital status than your upcoming promotion. Coupled with the infinite struggles between nature, nurture, and selfish desires of man and we are right back where we started; explaining to our friends why it didn’t work out or trying to figure out if it ever will. It was concluded that the balance of power in a relationship is as follows; Women have 49% controlling interest and men hold on to the remaining 51% until the women need it back.

Sidebar; Let the record show that when Judge Neanderthal was asked to demonstrate his control over his wife by calling to inform her that he was currently getting some ass and would be home whenever the hell he felt like it, he respectfully declined. Sidebar complete.